BAD BREATH
A HAPPY SCENE IN THE SURGERY. TINA LOOKS TO CAMERA AND ADDRESSES US
TINA: Hello there. Are you sitting next to someone with really foul breath? Admit it you’ve been wondering where that nasty niff has been coming from. Disgusting isn’t it!
NINA: Many people have bad breath…. That is because bad breath, ‘aspiratus forfuck’ssakeus’ in Latin, is a germ that is caught from sexual intercourse with dirty people. So please avoid dirty people whenever possible. Or be prepared to have someone who happens to smell your breath shouting ‘we know what you’ve been doing’.
TINA: Bad breath can also be caused by rotting food wedged in the dental gaps that can cause foul odour…
DK: Phwoor!
NINA: A good flossing can get rid of it. Or a visit to the Molarrs hygienist, Lesley, who’s a 44 DD .
DAVE: Phwoor!
DK: Good teeth are so important dentists will only go out with people with good teeth.
TINA: Yes have you ever seen a dentist with someone with bad teeth? No!
Here are some sillily named dentists!
ALL: Hooray! They’re oh so silly!
TINA: Number 7… Jane Toof.
DK: With a name like Toof, Jane just had to be a dentist but in fact wanted to be a nun.
ALL: A nun? Bejaysus!
DK: Yes it’s true! So she gave in to the inevitable and became one of Australia’s top dentists …whilst taking holy orders… She took the name of Sister Caninus and she attempted to keep both jobs going but joined a silent order and having been denied the opportunity of saying ‘open wider’ or ‘now rinse’ or ‘oops I’ve dropped the probe down your throat’ gave up teeth for ever.
ALL: They’re oh so silly! Hey! Here are more!
They’re oh so silly!
TINA: Number three!
DK: Iain Probe.
ALL: That’s so so silly!
DK: A perfect dental name. A dreadful career. Probe became a professor of Oral Pathology at the San Fransisco Dental College in the US in the 60s during the Summer of Love and but clearly went bonkers after taking too much lsd and came to the conclusion that decay was caused not by bacteria but by his invisible pet rabbit Co-lin. Obviously asked to leave he tried to build a rocket out of plastic teeth in order to meet Elvis in Heaven. He then attempted to marry a beaver in order to try to cure her overbite with obviously stupid consequences. Last seen lying face down in a stream shouting ‘I’m a dam! I’m a dam!
TINA: More Sillily named dentists later!
ALL: They’re oh so silly!
A LETTER FROM AN AMERICAN FAN ABOUT 'TONGUE IN' :
"I must say that while I hope for you to become extremely successful in the UK, I hope your song does not find an audience on this side of the pond. I shiver to think what would happen to my practice if my patients knew that I too wish to place other things in their mouths besides my fingers and instruments. You have done a disservice to dentists everywhere by exposing our perverted nature. Why don't you go ahead a write a song titled "Look Where Else The Intraoral Camera Fits" or "I Don't Wash My Hands After I Tug It In The Bathroom"? Shame on you all! ;)…Chris"
DK REPLIED: "Quite frankly Chris I am disgusted ...and bemused that something that is an appalling dental dilemma can be treated with such frivolity by such an eminent dentist as yourself. Although we admit to 'tongues in' and other irreverent thoughts (listen to 'Thoughts of a dentist' on the site) I am nonetheless forced to report you to the DBDWDMAOTLTUKCB (Dental Board Dealing With Dodgy Matters And Other Things Like That UK Croydon Branch) and will recommend that your future attempts to operate as a dentist in Croydon England be open to scrutiny.
Yours etc etc etc how dare you etc well I never etc young people today etc etc
DK of the BCMs"
And now....
A QUESTION THAT MUST BE ASKED
Why is it ok for dogs to poo in the street but not humans?
My answer:
Because a dog uses his or her poo for social purposes. Dogs have a superb sense of smell that humans don't possess. To a dog, poo is a rich source of information about another dog. It is like leaving a phone number or a text message. To us it is a dreadful germ ridden festering stinkfest.
More miscellany next time. Why not write in with your own?
Send to Ken Tremlett marked 'miscellany' to ken@tremlett.org.uk
We thankyew
